I'm Not Okay I Promise
by Brittana-Purt-love
Summary: Something happens to Kurt that changes him forever, but he pretends that nothing's wrong. Can anyone help him be okay again? If so, than who? Purt. Puckurt. Slash. WARNING: rape, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. Don't like, don't read.


Author's Note: Please read and review, let me know if you want me to continue. Not very good for the first chapter, but it will get much better as it goes. Feedback would be appreciated. Thanks! 

~xo Ashleigh.

**XXX**

_*flashback*_

"_No, no…. Please don't." Kurt begged as Blaine held him down._

"_Sh…" he hushed him, trailing kisses across Kurt's neck. "This is going to be perfect, just hold still."_

"_Stop, please…." He cried. Kurt could feel the chills, the sudden cold, his boxers had been removed. He finally felt the tears falling down his cheeks, he breathed out a final "please." before the pain hit him._

**XXX**

1 week later

Kurt walked into the choir room and took a seat in the back row, making sure he wasn't sitting directly next to anyone. Mercedes and Tina had saved him a seat, but he pretended not to notice them, it was nothing against them, but all he wanted was to be alone. If it had been up to Kurt he wouldn't have shown up to school at all. Mr. Schue entered the room as the bell rang; he immediately looked over to Kurt.

"Alright everyone, I'd like you all to welcome back our not-so-new addition to glee," he said, motioning to him. "Kurt Hummel." Kurt smiled and nodded, the sound of everyone's applause over him was almost infuriating. He really didn't want to be there, he didn't want to pretend to be happy to be back; not like he had a choice though. "So, Kurt, why did you decide to come back?" a flash _that night_ went through his mind, as much as he wanted to storm out, to run away and cry he stayed, with a calm expression on his face, he smiled.

"No reason, really, I just missed being here with you all." He lied, easily. "McKinley's like home to me, so it's good to be back."

"Good to have you back." Mr. Schue replied, turning to the small whiteboard behind him. "Now, on to the lesson…"

Kurt let his thoughts drift, not paying even one ounce of attention to what Mr. Schue was trying to teach, he was sure he probably already knew about quartets or whatever else he would be talking about in a music class anyway. His mind immediately went back to that night; it seemed to be all that he was capable of thinking about anymore. He hadn't slept in for a good three days afterward, and these last few days had only given him a few short hours of escape to his dreams. Sometimes he would have nightmares instead though, on which nights he would rather go without sleep, than re-live the horrible event.

Before he knew any time had passed the final bell rang, Kurt got up from his seat and rushed out to his car, ready to finally be alone like he wanted. He climbed into his car and started the engine, making sure to leave his seatbelt off. He wasn't suicidal (not yet, anyway), but he definitely didn't want to protect his life either when he wasn't exactly sure what he had to live for. Kurt felt a bit relaxed when he got home, no one else was there: Finn was at football practice, while his dad and Carole were at work. He finally felt like he had some room to breathe.

Kurt went straight down to his room; he turned on the stereo to full blast, it was playing a My Chemical Romance cd Finn had left behind when he got his own room. Though generally they weren't really his style, he had found their music soothing over the last few days. Kurt walked into his bathroom, about to take a shower, when he noticed the small box of razors sitting on the counter next to the sink. The idea drew him in; he had always sworn that he would never fall into that sort of thing, that he would never have a reason to. But now, a lot had changed; he felt like he had lost a lot of himself anyway, his old morals were tossed out. He really didn't know what to think anymore, about anything, he just wanted to think of anything but the rape. Anything.

Kurt pulled a single blade from the box, and rolled up his left sleeve. He looked at his tired eyes in the mirror, and then closed them; biting his lip he dug the razor into his pale skin. A shot of pain flooded him, for the moment it engulfed him, he smiled when he realized what had just happened. The pain had been enough to push the other thoughts away, it was exactly what he was looking for. He watched the crimson drip from his wrist into the sink, he felt satisfied. Somehow this made him feel okay, even if only for a moment.


End file.
